I am working night shift on Christmas. So from 23:00 to 8:00 I'll be sitting behind a reception counter, guarding an almost empty building. It saves me from being home at least.
A few changes since the previous post. Stepdaughter from Hell is gone. Her mother and I had a massive fight in the middle of the night, during which I made very clear that it was either stepdaughter moving out on december 1st, or me. The little princess actually listened for a change, and moved out. She did this without even informing her mother, who had to drag it out of her two days before she and two of her brilliant friends gathered her shit and left. So the most hysterical girl on the planet when it comes to being naked (she even used to get fully dressed for the three steps between the bathroom door and her own room and would scream at anyone looking at her when she was wearing less than 4 layers of clothing) now lives happily with a gay former classmate guy in his room, on his floor, next to his bed (apparently he can look at her whenever he wants, because he is gay, so "safe". I really wonder if they share her vibrator). Maybe I should let het boyfriend know that this arrangement has certain perks...
I already changed her room to an office. The computer has left the living room.
The departure of the stepdaughter has not improved the relationship with E. She has now forced me to go to a relationship therapist. Expensive guy, so far I have seen him twice (once with E, once solo, next week with E again). I am very much not holding my breath for any results, because in the end it will all fall on my shoulders anyway. I will be the one that has to do the changing, take all initiatives, swallow all the shit she can throw at me, have patience until the end of time, etc.
I already almost walked out of his office once, when he started the whole "mother feelings and mother instincts are the strongest in the universe" talk. I have NEVER contested that. My problem is the lack of ANY initiative from her side, apart from picking fights.
Last night I was watching American Horror Story while she was out with friends. She comes home, watches about 15 minutes with me, then tells me that she is off to bed. The episode I was watching still had about 20 minutes left, so I told her that I wanted to finish it. I get a "fine", she goes upstairs. I finish the episode, go upstairs, brush my teeth, get in bed, she is still awake and tells me she wants to cuddle. By that time one of our cats has taken his usual position between us (he sleeps there every night, nothing happens anyway). I say "okay", pick up and move the cat, lay back down and wait for her to move closer. I wait for 20 seconds, the cat starts to move back to his spot in between us, she sighs annoyed and turns around. Who te fuck refuses to move her fucking ass in my direction??? She turns off the light, I hear her move while she puts on her t-shirt (I hate it when the person I sleep with wears anything while next to me, which she knows but refuses to stop doing). Apparently the "cuddle" was meant as the start for more.
Dear E, remember your comments from June? "Mediocre at best"? Funny, coming from someone with the libido of a box of frozen spinach.
This morning, she was preparing something in the kitchen, she tells me she needs more hugs and cuddles and how she felt very turned down and rejected last night. Well dear, I have felt that way for the last four years. And you will have to do a lot of proving that you are actually really truly interested in me and my body before that will start to change, if ever.
The job. Still don't like it, but it pays. I do have to be careful not to point out the gazillion flaws here. I am surrounded by "yes people".
I feel I am slowly slipping back into depression. I am not happy with my life, not happy with my job, not happy with how things go at all.
My current partner is absolutely awesome when it comes to arguments and fights. She manages to make me leave the house every fucking time her lovely princess daughter comes up with some shit. I have accepted that a normal relationship apparently is not the thing for me. A few women (including current partner) have accused me of killing my own relationships. Maybe I do. They (including current partner) also were kind enough to inform me about my mediocricy when it comes to sex.
Thank you for that, T... Really nice of you. I really thought that this was the one bit where things DID work for us. Apparently it didn't. Fortunately everything is bigger in America.
I have a new job. Finally. Took me almost 3 years to find. I am a concierge at a dorm. It's at a former hotel in Rotterdam. I only work evenings and nights. Which does even more wonders for my non existing sex life. Funny how women all want more sex, be loved, want exciting things to happen between the sheets, and then REFUSE TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING FOR IT THEMSELVES. I love sex als much as the next guy. I love to make a woman cum. I LOVE to be gently sucked for hours on end, and I really don't care which lips you use around my cock. But nooo... It always has to end in some drama. I am closing in on 50, and at that age, when the pecker doesn't get any attention, he just rusts up and it takes a century before any performance is had. I also don't cum as much as I used to, I guess that also is one of the results of not getting any action at all. Once per roughly nine (yes, NINE) months just does not cut it for me. On the plus side, we have less opportunity for fights. Stepdaughter from Hell now has a free range again for all her crap. Maybe I should just fuck her, she leaves a snail trail where ever she goes.
Anyways... Back to the job. I have been here one month now and I don't like it. The boss is already trying to cut our hours, we only work evenings and nights, and working nights just isn't my thing. The plus sides: income, really easy job, cute German girl. Who is about the same age as the stepdaughter from Hell.
I want to leave. More than ever. I know very well that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but it does have a different shade of green. Good enough for me. I wish I had the guts to just grab a few pairs of underwear and get on a plane to the other side of the planet. Maybe there I will find whatever I apparently do not have now and make a change for myself.
I would love to get quite unsober. If all goes well the house will be empty when I get home later on. I don't see why I can't fill up on some Mexican booze before going to bed. Then again, I would prefer to feel a lot of gentle sucking in the right places. But... Not gonna happen. One frigid female sleeping in our bed right now, one hysterical teen in the room next to ours.
Women "love" sex. Yeah, sure they do. As long as about 9,433,574 conditions are met to the letter, the guy takes the initiative, keeps things going, finishes her off at least three times, and then shoots his own junk off in the loo/shower, so she won't have to clean things up.
It's a good thing my life is more than half over. Whatever misery will still come my way will be over sooner than any misery that's already been enjoyed.
It's a shame the river in front of the door here is so fucking cold... But it sure does look inviting right now.
- Music:Robert Plant - Big Log
A while ago I realized that without exception all my ex partners got married within a few years after we broke up. It was during that same realization moment that I realized that quite a few of them managed to make one of MY life long dreams a reality. One moved to the USA, one is about to move to the USA, they all seem to have been able to find a nice and well paying job. Life is treating them quite well.
I guess that I am just not on the same fortunate line. I point (mostly) women in the right direction, give them some good and some bad memories to life with me, they get to enjoy life while all I get is more crap and the feeling of being stuck. It feels like I am swimming in a tar pit. I can't find a job, I get screwed out on everything I try except for actual screwing, I can't find a life mode I feel good about, I feel myself slowly sinking into depression.
Will it ever be my turn? What will I need to do for it? I *so* hate my life...
so here i am, in a relationship, almost 6 years now, and we have sex about once every 6 months, if i am lucky. 17 year old daughter fucks her brains out with anything that breathes but portrays a holier than virgin maria at home. she also is partly responsible for me not having sex. if you want to have your sexlife killed thoroughly, find a mom/partner with daughters in puberty.
i came from a relationship with a woman that enjoyed sex. she loved sucking me. i loved being sucked by her. i loved licking her. i loved being inside her. i loved falling asleep with my cock still deep inside her after we came. the last time that happened was about 6,5 years ago.
the last few years i have felt my life fall apart. maybe this is just my destiny, to eventually die an old bitter lonely sexvoided old jerker.
i'll start wrining here again. I dunno yet, i currently feel things are missing, i have no outlet, i have some sort of urge to share. lots of things happened to me the past six years, good, bad, interesting, annoying, i have seen and suffered it all...
Take care guys. This is it.
Thank you all for reading and being my friend.
Feel free to come and find me on facebook, although I am hardly ever there.
Smiles and hugs your way!
Some people spend their whole lives preparing the answer to this question: What albums are on your personal all-time Top 10 list?
this is not too hard...
i am not even halfway with my life (i hope), so this list might change in the future. so do not hold it against me if i give a completely different list in 20 years. also this list is in alphabetical order, because that is the way they are in my cdvd cabinet.
it's ten albums that i think are masterpieces. there are more, but the list demands ten.david bowie - earthling
brilliant album by a brilliant musician. this album is so filled with interesting music and little things happening all over that every time i sit down to listen i hear new things. over and over again.depeche mode - exciter
apparently this album was recorded while the band members had a massive argument and they never met in the studio for the recording sessions. i think it is their best.michael jackson - thriller
this album does not need an explanation.megadeth - countdown to extinction
(original version, not the re-release)
metal at its best. to this day i still do not grasp why dave mustaine had to fuck it up sharon osbourne style.nightwish - once
by far the best finland has to offer. there is only one problem with this; they should have left the production to someone who knows what he is doing, like paul speer.ozzy osbourne - diary of a madman
(original version, not the re-release)
this album is not here because of ozzy, but because of randy rhoads. by far the best guitarplayer that ever lived. this album was not too long ago fucked over by sharon.queen - a night at the opera
anything queen made after this album was somehow borrowed off of "a night".queensryche - empire
another classic in metal. i also thought about listing the album after that; promised land, but empire has just a bit more.pink floyd - dark side of the moon
if you have not heard anything of this album, you are either born before 1700, or have lived all your life in a cave underneath the south pole.roger waters - amused to death
by far his best solo material after he left pink floyd. excellent recording, fabulous story. do not buy the spanish pressing.
not mentioned are prince, toto, metallica, jem, frankie goes to hollywood and quite a few others...
now if you read this, click the button at the top of this entry and answer too!
i sure as hell hope you haven't been holding your breath for this update...
since i did not get any invites to funerals i don't think anyone did. fortunately.
first a word on why the updates are hardcorely stagnating.
i am not happy. in basically no area of my life right now.
i lived in this house for 20 years now, and i want out of here. i have no decent storing space, every little corner is crammed with junk i mostly do not need. i am in the process of throwing stuff out, even when i know i really should not toss something because it might one day possibly blah blah blah, if i have not touched it in the past 2 years it is out of here. for some reason it does not make any difference, i still cannot find the space i need to make me breathe again.
as soon as i have some money again i am going to redo my bathroom, right now it is just a white plastic shell with a shower, a loo and my washing machine. the tiles on the floor are a horrible brown, something that annoyed me from day one when i moved in here. i just never took the time or energy to do something about it. the nice plus of brown tiles is that you don't see the dirt, the downside is that for some reason it feels like the floor drains away my energy.
the plan is black tiles on the floor (large ones) and a mix of mainly white and various shades of grey on the walls. this may make it feel a bit colder than it does now, but it will be all new and shiny, and better than the plastic crap i have there now. the ceiling i have not thought about yet, but that will probably be a ready and easy to install thing. lights will probably be led, i am thinking about putting them in the floor and shine up, just to make a massive difference. all parts that will usually be in the shade will be well lit for a change.
i want a new couch in the living room. the one i have now is about 30 years old, was already third hand when i got it (for free, 15 years ago), and is now falling apart, the pillows are all torn or very close to tearing, and it doesn't sit comfortable anymore. i have a way too big three and two seater, i want to go smaller, maybe a two seater and a nice chair. i never get any visitors anyway, and the ones that do come can either sit close to me or stand somewhere.
i want a new bed. i love the size of my bed, but, like the rest here, it is ancient. the outside is 20 years old now, the mattresses are about 10 years old. this means i spent 3650 nights on those, i don't even want to think about the amount of sweat, drool and other bodily fluids that has soaked through them. i also want a new set of blankets. everything now is single person (nice for when one is sick and has a killer fever) and i want to have at least one big double one.
(non-related whatsoever: i just chipped a massive piece of one of my molars. just fucking great)
but mostly, i want a new house. i am thinking about putting this one up for sale and see what happens. the last time i tried selling it i had one person marginally interested in well over two years. that is another reason for upgrading. i won't make any profit on it thanks to the fortis bank (which is close to bankruptcy, fortunately, just what they deserve for ripping millions of people off by charging the most ludicrous charges for messing with a bit of stock), but i'll be a change from where i am now.
will i buy a new place? i don't know yet. renting gives me a lot of flexibility, i can just up and leave whenever i want. buying gives me a somewhat stable form of saving, although i don't have a clue what for. kids will never happen, i will never be rich, and living together with someone again is not very high on the list either, i have been alone too long to give that space up again i think. maybe in a much bigger house where we can actually have private space... but here, no.
i know it is getting old and boring, but i still want a normal job. last year i made 18,000 euros. that is 1,500 euros per month. i worked on average 36 hours a week for that, doing mostly hard and heavy physical labor, often filthy and dangerous, and during a whole lot of weekends. if i'd move to welfare i would not have that much less to spend. the small extras i have come from driving places, i get my kilometers back tax free.
just so you know, i hardly make any money on that with the current gas prices. oil has not been as "cheap" in the past 25 years as it is today, but gas prices do not follow... but as soon as oil goes up one dollar a barrel, gas goes up as well.
by the way, it costs less than $5 to get one barrel of oil out of the ground. thank the american banking system for the price boost.
my car is falling apart. i need a "new" one. an 8 year old second hand car here cost about the same as it would cost new in the usa. as an example, a new ford mustang gt premium convertible, their most expensive model with all options, is 33,200 us$, here that exact same car is well over 110,000 euros.
a few weeks ago disaster struck. i don't have a lot of savings, but i do have some. apart from my mortgage i do not have any debts, and i hope to always be in the position to be able to save money in advance for whatever i want or need to buy, and never needing a loan or massive credit for anything. about 6 months ago i moved the money from one savings account with only 2.3% interest to a bank in iceland, which gave me 5.25% interest. everything looked safe and secure, the bank was a national one, what could go wrong, right?
the bank going belly up was what could go wrong. thanks to the worldwide financial panic over absolutely nothing financial institutions collapse all over the planet.
needless to say i panicked, i feared that my savings just evaporated in front of my nose... but fortunately it looks like the dutch government actually does something for its citizens for a change, and they decided to take over the task of returning the savings to the people that put it there.
there is no money for anything here in the netherlands, but in the past month over 35 billion euros suddenly showed up out of the blue... i know the grass looks greener than it is on the other side of the fence, but i am ready to take my chances.
we have been to cancun in mexico last month. the trip itself was paid for by someone else, which i really didn't like. it made me feel very pathetic to have to do this on the generocity of someone else who obviously has more money than i do.
(why can't i just have a nice job and afford something like this myself? i am trying... i just always fall through the cracks somehow...)
we did have a nice time away though. the weather was lovely warm, the rains every now and then were not too bad, we saw lots of things and still spend more money than i had hoped for. maybe one day i'll post pictures, but we took too many. i still haven't found the time or energy to go through them and sort them out.
never take more than 20 pictures a day.
i want to finish my education that i started. as soon as i have my money back i will try to get it rolling again, take some time off if needed, and do it in a different way of learning. i am not one that comes home after a grueling day at work all exhausted, had dinner, a shower and then plunges himself in the books. doesn't work for me with my current job. when i am tired i don't absorb anything.
a diploma will open doors for me. more than just the bullshit ones. i want a decent paycheck. i want respect from my employer. i want colleagues that are not stoned or drunk all the time. i want to go to work and feel good about it. i want to come home and still have energy left for fun things.
the days are shortening again. my mood goes down accordingly.
i want new neighbors. the couple i have on my left is annoying me to bits, i have really had it with them. i understand their house needs maintenance and occasional repairs, but why do they think that just because of that they can just walk onto my property and do their thing? we're not just talking ground surface here, they even climb onto my roof and make a shitload of noise, not to mention the damage they possibly do there.
their house is one story higher than mine, a few years ago they cemented the outer wall which is over my gutter on that side. they arrived at 7:00 on a saturday morning, unannounced, started building scaffolding, and made so much noise during the first 10 minutes that one of my cats had a panic attack. i ordered them down and told my neighbor that i would call the police if they would go up again without anyone asking for permission in a normal way, after i cooled down, i was fuming.
later it turned out that they broke two tiles which they didn't tell me anything about and did not clean anything from my gutters, i removed four buckets of cement from them.
last year a part of their roof had to be renewed, and neigborette thought it no problem at all to tell the roofers to enter my backyard, plunge all their gear there, and use it as their tool shed. not to mention the boombox they had on blaring. this was the situation as i found it when i came home from work. i was fuming once again, exploded against neighborette, and i must say, everything was gone within five minutes. unfortunately they "accidentally" dropped quite some leftovers into my backyard, i had over half a garbage bag full of tarmac and other junk.
two days ago the guy comes up to me and asks me if i can access my backyard to sand a window frame that is on my side, and which he has no other access to. i had mixed feelings about this, but he asked properly, i told him that any mess would be cleared out by him, and gave him permission.
today i come home from work, and who is in my gutter making a shitload of noise and mess?
i was very close to stepping onto my roof and kicking her off, but that would also get blood on my part of the sidewalk, so i stepped away from that plan. instead i wrote a letter, explaining my thoughts on the matter. unfortunately i didn't get a chance to slide it in their mailbox, just seconds before i got to that, neighbor guy rang my doorbell asking me if i could open the fence door.
so i got to explode against him. i told him about the mess left behind every time something has to happen to their house, the 100% lack of asking permission to access what is mine, and told him that as far as i'm concerned the window frame can rot out completely, he will not get access anymore ever.
so what else is new.
i am finally building my new speaker cabinets. so far the development and designing has taken about a full year, but now construction has finally begun, and it is going fairly smooth. one is almost finished (rough construction, it still needs sanding, more sanding, polishing, wax coating and of course adding of dampening materials, cabling, speaker units, filter and such) the other one will be started on as soon as i have a day off with good weather. pictures will be posted by the time they are done, which will not be until about late september.
a newspaper article caught my attention saturday. the local police farce (not a typo) had an active friday evening, they stopped and arrested a few guys that were racing on a closed off parking lot, thereby endangering a local light post. they needed a farce of no less than 8 officers on the scene to apprehend everyone.
in the same article also mention of the stealing of an audi, which they chased on a midnight highway, speeds exceeding 250 km/h (140 mph), but somehow the thieves outsmarted the police farce (not a typo). i know, this doesn't take much. basically point towards the sky and they are lost completely.
so... a few guys having some fun get caught and arrested, real criminals run free. it's the way things work in the police state called netherlands...
a few years back the government instated that everyone on the streets is required to have some form of id on him or her at all times. a friend of mine witnessed an accident and waited for the police farce (not a typo) to give a statement. it was a nice day, he was in shorts, and didn't have his wallet on him. as a "thank you" for the clarifying statement he got a ticket of 140 euros for not having his id with him.
another vote lost there...
still looking for a decent job.
on the news this morning: there is such a massive shortage of qualified people that there is no other option than to open up our borders and let foreign workers in, because "the dutch labor market has gaps that cannot be filled in with local people". let's just forget about the 400,000 unemployed, of which over 35% had a university degree, or the approximately one million that are in a job well below their level or education.
i doubt there has ever been a more ignorant, selfish, alienated, estranged, egotistical bunch of blind money wasters in charge here.
if i can find any lead out of here i am gone. find me a normal decent pay job anywhere in the world (a warm location is preferred though) and i am packed.
and finally, a message to my american readers. please stop whining about gas prices. you still get it for close to free. this morning i filled up my car and lost us$9.46 per gallon. that is nine american dollars and forty-nine cents per gallon.
did you know that if the world bank (imf) was taken out of the equation the price of gas would be less than 10% of what it is at the pump today? there is plenty of oil left, even if the growth of population and the increase of fossil oil usage continues at the rate it is going today there will be more than enough to last us for the coming four centuries! pumping up one barrel of oil costs about 4.75 per barrel down in saudi arabia. where does the price tag come from? the world bank, which is only interested in making money. a group of about 12 people is responsible for most of the misery.
in february iran has mentioned that they will start selling oil in euros instead of dollars. and all of a sudden warmonger bush is planning an invasion there. of course, just like with iraq, the official reason has nothing to do with oil, but it's a human rights thing and terrorist threat that needs addressing and a possible new nuclear nation which can not be allowed and some more bullshit. but the real reason is the fear the dollar will collapse completely when iran starts selling oil in euros...
the dollar is already falling. it's just a matter of time. and with guys like bush at the helm things will only get worse.